Trials & Tribulations - Choosing To Love Anyways.. (This Probably Won't Make Sense)

This wasn't something I started thinking about until a couple days ago - I've always known grace, but why am I giving it to the people I do? I never ask myself, because the answer is that I simply don't care why I do. I just do. But then, I was sitting by myself working yesterday morning in me and my loves living room with a coffee cup on the couch.. I should've been working but then got caught up in a conversation with my boss:

"People think I'm silly to keep going through it - But, I don't know any different because I don't see it negatively, through patience and understanding."

Let me break it down for you like this: People don't know better until they know better. The way they grew up, their past, their faults, their difficulties in life, everything that just makes them - them. When brought me onto the topic of unconditional love: I've never felt that until I met my daughters father.. Simply because I don't and haven't ever known someone the way I know him. And, it makes it hard to not give empathy naturally. I know the troubles he and I have shared: I know the same secrets, the same mistakes, and the same faults that have been roadblocks on his path. And, it just started sinking in that I haven't known anybody that way before - Three years and I'm still learning more, and although they can be uncomfortable, hard, and tear-jerking conversations: they're the conversations that need to be had in order for us to break through the barriers we face in our relationship. And, on one hand you can use the argument that the past doesn't matter and it doesn't mean anything because it's the past.. But, that's entirely far from the truth. Your past - Your decisions, your mistakes, your secrets, your guilty pleasures, the stuff that you don't tell to new people? It matters. It's part of you. And, maybe that's just the way I love, because I do love deeply and passionately - and anyone who knows me can attest to it, but I can't help but to learn more about the person I care about.. Now. Prior to my daughters father? Didn't really care to know anyone that way. And, maybe it's because I'm trying to "find excuses" for some of his behaviors, or weird antics he's got, but I'm sure he could say the same for me. It's just funny.. Even three years later, I'll have someone reaching out to me about their opinion on him and why they feel that way, and I really, genuinely, wholeheartedly, could not care less because there's a side to him that only I get to see - and that a position that I will always be honored to have been given. His bad, his good, his past, I just loved him regardless. We're so quick to place these labels on people - "Oh she's just toxic," "He's just childish," But, have you ever just stopped to think first? To build understanding? We're so quick to "cut things off that don't benefit us" but just because it's not "benefitting" you right now, doesn't mean it's a situation in which you have to leave. *Obviously - we all know the definitions of abuse/mistreatment, and this isn't me sitting here saying to waste time in a situation that you KNOW is negatively-impacting you, but your partner having a bad day/a bad week/or going through a time of struggle in which they are needing your comfort/support isn't the time to simply diminish a good relationship and dip. Simply put: If this is something you want and see potential, quit being a track star, and try all options, first.* *By the way, quit using meaning-filled words to describe someone. Don't be rude. We are all human. Either way, whether they are toxic or not - spreading your opinion on someone based on who they are during times of trial they are going through is another topic. Especially, if you do not know them, based on more than an under a year relationship.*

Moral of the story: Whenever someone comes to me about their relationship problems - these are the first things I'm going to ask them to think about:

1. Do you know the way they grew up? Their family dynamics?
   

2. Aside from the selfishness of wanting to validate your own feelings, have you acknowledged theirs? Have you even tried to find out why you're seeing these issues from them right now?
   

3. Coping! What have they done recently to be able to cope? Have they been able to have that time? Often times - when people are dealing with high stressors these are the conflict management styles we tend to see: (This is good to know for your self-awareness as well).

• Collaborating: A combination of being assertive and cooperative, those who collaborate attempt to work with others to identify a solution that fully satisfies everyone’s concerns. In this style, which is the opposite of avoiding, both sides can get what they want and negative feelings are minimized.
  

• Competing: Those who compete are assertive and uncooperative and willing to pursue one’s own concerns at another person’s expense. Dr. Benoliel explains using this style works when you don’t care about the relationship but the outcome is important, such as when competing with another company for a new client.
  

• Avoiding (Than can borderline on toxic behaviors so let's talk about it really quick): Those who avoid conflict tend to be unassertive and uncooperative while diplomatically sidestepping an issue or simply withdrawing from a threatening situation. “Use this when it is safer to postpone than dealing with the situation head-on." *I'm going to pause right here and say - this is most men who haven't gone through processing their communication skills: most of us women nag. That's what we do. We like the conflict to end right here, right now, type of thing. Men who are having a tough time processing the words that they need to get out in the moment would rather take the time to sit down and process - on their own. Depending on your attachment styles, (and even your mental health/illnesses) this can be hard.* It's important for the partner who is walking away from the conflict at the moment to acknowledge and make known why they are walking away and when they are ready, they will be back to finish the conversation. Now, we're not walking away, to come back in 30-1 hour to begin another argument. So, it is important that if you're partner is like this, and you find it difficult to handle, that you focus on yourself, in the moment, until your partner is ready to come back and talk. - I say this especially for those who have anxious attachment styles, or in my case, borderline. And, it is important as the partner walking away from the conversation that you're able to think about the other person and making sure they have the reassurance to know that you are not abandoning the relationship. (Again - This is being said for those of us who are not mentally able to handle high-stress situations in regards to fighting/communication struggles. Please do not come to me as a neurotypical telling me that this is "too much" as it is simply a respect thing, we know it is too much, but if you chose to love the person you are with anyways, knowing they struggle with these issues, then you need to respect them, and choose the most selfless route in the moment, as you are walking away from a conversation they feel needs to be had). Please understand - if you are someone who does not process correctly in high level stressors or get funneled - that is okay. Some of us are still figuring out our styles and we are all on different paths. It is all about your response to the situation. You are more than validated to take the time that you need to process, but for those of us who have issues processing correctly when high level stressors are being lingered on instead of dealt with in the moment: it is equally as difficult for us to cope when you take the time away from the conversation. When you have a avoidant/collaborative relationship, try this to avoid further stress lingering on for too long: Sit down with each other and pre-plan fights (this sounds silly, but hear me out) when you KNOW that in times of heat, one is going to run while run fights too hard, plan out what is going to happen.. (EX: x is going to take 30 minutes to go _____ (in a separate space), while y is going to go _____ for the thirty minutes. When the 30 minutes is up x/y are going to come back to the agreed spot (sometimes going back to the room where conflict happens can trigger same responses) and ________ (this can be anything. playing Jenga for 20 minutes, but ultimately sitting down are re-trying to have the conversation that was at-hand and walked away from.

• Accommodating: The opposite of competing, there is an element of self-sacrifice when accommodating to satisfy the other person. While it may seem generous, it could take advantage of the weak and cause resentment. “You can use accommodating when you really don’t care a lot about the outcome but do want to preserve or build the relationship,”
  

• Compromising: This style aims to find an expedient, mutually acceptable solution that partially satisfies both parties in the conflict while maintaining some assertiveness and cooperativeness. “This style is best to use when the outcome is not crucial and you are losing time; for example, when you want to just make a decision and move on to more important things and are willing to give a little to get the decision made,”

“It’s incredibly important to not be afraid when conflict arises because there are things you can do, such as becoming more skilled and qualified by building a repertoire for responding to reduce conflict,” says Dr. Benoliel.

Factual. Conflict happens - everywhere. With anyone. It's life - unfortunately. Just because you and your partner argue doesn't mean that it's a relationship with no potential. You're not always going to agree with your partner and vice versa.

But anyways.. Moving on with the Ted Talk:

1. Say you were in the middle of an argument and now you're seeing some sort of "off-the-wall" reaction, take the time to think about if there was anything that you just said that could've rubbed them the wrong way, what could be the reason they may be reacting this way? (This doesn't excuse disrespect. But - you may gain more patience in understanding these things in the times you are given to process them).
   

2. Are you listening neutrally when they speak? Or are you automatically placing the things that they say into a "negative" or "positive" box? Are you giving meaning to their words? Or are you letting them provide meaning to the words coming out of their mouth and actively listening? (This will be something we get into later on down the line).
   

Please remember - these are all things in my daughter's father and I's relationship that we had discovered for the first time, and are now sharing this with you. This by no means is the 100% fool proof way of doing things, and this isn't me telling you that this is going to work right now, tonight, for your relationship. But, in most relationships, these are still good things to ask yourself and learn over the course of it.

And As Always, Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Alexis Penhorwood | Building Blocks | 02.04.2022